Lesson from the Book 📚 How to talk to anyone 🙂

No one will know what you want unless you say it

So much depends on communication. Verbal or non-verbal, our mastery of it defines whether we will be successful among other human beings. Moreover, it is inevitable because how else would we co-exist and progress as a society?

It seems pretty straightforward: just say what you want or need, thus putting others in the know. However, many of us fail to do that, feeling shy and insecure about ourselves. Leil Lowndes’ book is aimed at all people who think that they have not enough confidence to speak to others. Sometimes, you don’t even need immense willpower to strike up a meaningful conversation. Instead, you should learn the appropriate techniques of doing so.

Often, you can’t speak your mind not because you are timid, but because no one taught you the right way to do this.

“How to Talk to Anyone” comprises 92 techniques, wittily named by Leil Lowndes. Having read this summary, you will learn how to make people fall in love with you, appear genuine and credible, break into a tight crowd, and talk like a VIP. What do you think is hiding behind the “Accidental Adulation” or “Scramble Therapy” techniques? Every chapter contains 4-5 techniques to help you get better at talking to people and making them do what you want — sometimes without actually saying what it is.

How to fascinate everyone without saying a word

First impressions are incredibly powerful. They are holograms that stay in your acquaintance's memory forever. Therefore, it is important you get the first impression right.

The exact moment that two humans lay eyes on each other has awesome potency.

Make your smile magically different — Flooding Smile

Don't give a quick smile when exchanging pleasantries with someone. Instead, look at the person's face for a second. Absorb their persona before giving a big warm smile. This technique will engulf your acquaintance like a warm wave. A big sweet smile is an asset, but it can be more impactful when it comes slower. This way, it has more sincerity, credibility and is personalized for who it is meant for.

Appear intelligent and insightful — Sticky Eye

Pretend that your eyes are glued to your conversation partner with a sticky warm taffy. Maintain eye contact as you are talking, and if you must, do it slowly, as if reluctantly. Your partner is likely to feel fond and respectful of you as a result.

Make somebody fall in love with you — Epoxy Eyes

Imagine that your eyes are glued to your target no matter who is speaking. Keep looking at them in a way that says, "I only have eyes for you" or "I can't take my eyes off you."

Look only at the listener, your target, not the speaker. Be genuinely interested in their reactions.

Win people's heart — Big-Baby Pivot

Treat your new acquaintance as a tiny tyke who crawled next to your feet with a toothless grin. Reward them with a kind, warm smile, turn your body 100% to them, thus saying they are very special.

Did you know? In our fast-paced world, we have only 10 seconds to make a good first impression, and it is indelible, according to Leil Lowndes.

What follows the "Hi!"

There are different people you might want to start a conversation with. How about situations? They can differ, too. Some people enjoy small talk; others despise it. You want to charm or at least interest your partner with your personality or even break into a tight crowd.

Great small talk recipe — Make a Mood Match

Small talk is about putting people at ease. Before you say something, determine your partner's state of mind by observing their facial expression. If you want people to agree with your thoughts, you need to match their mood to their voice tone before starting a small talk. Leil Lowndes calls it a "psychic holograph."

Take consolation from the fact that the brighter the individual, the more he or she detests small talk.

Others will think you have a superb personality — Prosaic with Passion

Your first words don't matter as much as your actions, demeanor, mood, and delivery. They are non-verbal cues that make up for 80% of how you are perceived by others. Appear positive, passionate, empathetic, and always genuinely interested in your listener. Your first words are okay. So far, it puts everyone at ease and sounds passionate. You can achieve this by convincing your listeners they are okay and that you share a lot in common.

Make others want to start a conversation with you — Always Wear a Whatzit

Become noticeable within reason. When out, carry or wear something unusual. This way, strangers will find a reason to approach you as something curious catches their attention. A good Whatzit is a spectacular socializing tool.

No attention is unwanted if you want to meet new people. So, dress up to fuel others' curiosity.

Meet the person you want to meet — Whoozat

All you need is to ask the party host to introduce you or simply share 1-2 facts about you. Then, you can turn them into ice breakers.

Break into a tight crowd — Eavesdrop In

Simply slide behind the group of people you want to infiltrate and eavesdrop. Wait for an excuse, then jump right into the conversation with "Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear…" Of course, they will be taken aback momentarily, but they will get over it, and you will become a part of the conversation.

How to talk like a VIP

According to studies conducted by Carnegie Foundation for the Advancement of Teaching and Carnegie Institute of Technology in the 1930s, about 85% of an individual's success is attributed to their communication skills.

Find out what a group is doing — What Do You Do-NOT

Avoid being bold and asking, "So, what do you do?" Try to be oblique and say: "How do you spend most of your time?" The first one is a direct statement of the fact that you are an outsider to the group, whereas the second one implies that you already know the basics about those people, and now you want the specifics.

Reply to "What do you do?" — Nutshell Resume

Take a cue from how job-seeking top managers uniquely tailor their resume for each position they apply for. Tell a unique story about your professional life for each listener. Before answering the question "What do you do?" try to identify the particular interest the person could have in the response. Always ask yourself how your professional experience could benefit the other person. When meeting a loved one or potential friend, make your life sound fun to the other person.

Wherever you go, tell your own story in a unique way to everyone that asks.

Sound smarter than you are — Your Personal Thesaurus

Look up some of your common words in the thesaurus. Test a few new words to see if they fit your everyday vocab. If they sound superb, start making replacements. Note, the creative vocabulary of a rich individual and an average, middle-of-the-road one is differentiated by only 50 words. Replace some of your common words for 2 months, and you will be in the verbal elite. Consider the commonly overused words like good, pretty, nice, or smart, grab a thesaurus, and start replacing them.

How to be an insider in a crowd

Often at a party, you might find yourself surrounded by people of different professions using their work slang. Naturally, you remain silent because some terms or phrases make no sense to you. However, Leil Lowndes insists that you don't have to keep quiet even in situations like this.

Be a modern-day renaissance woman or man — Scramble Therapy

Every month, participate in an activity you've never done before — scramble your life. Go to a lecture or an exhibition, engage in some sports activity or charity work. You will get 80% of the right jargon and appropriate insider questions from the experiences.

Sound like you know about their hobby or job — Learn a Little Gobbledygook

Gobbledygook is the language of other professions. You need to learn it because it makes you sound like an insider. Ask a friend who speaks gobbledygook to teach you a few opening questions. It is a lingo with very few words, but the rewards are manifold.

Keeps up with the updates — Baring Their Hot Button

Before you jump blindly into a group of professionals, find out the hot issues in their fields. Every field has concerns oblivious to the outside world. Ask your "contact person" to tell you about the industry buzz. When it is time to heat the conversation, push those buttons.

Approaching a group of professionals from a different sphere, try to find out which burning topics are likely to push their buttons.

Secretly learn about their lives — Read Their Rags

Is the person you want to meet keen on sports? Or are you attending a social rout filled with Zen Buddhists, accountants, or anyone similar? Several monthly magazines can help you uncover information that will make you sound like an insider, all by reading at least the headlines of corresponding articles.

When you are from different countries — Clear Custom

Before going to a foreign country, get a book that contains the do’s and don'ts of that part of the world. Before you compliment anyone's possessions, make gestures, give a gift, or shake hands, check if it's appropriate.

Here's how you signal the other person that you two are very much alike 

Unlike birds or animals that stick only to their kind and never mix and mingle, humans do, and enjoy that very much. We choose others based on how comfortable we are around them and whether they like us back. So, how do they?

We take the most liking to the people who share the same values as us.

Make them feel you are of the same "class" — Be a Copyclass

In a respectful, not creepy way, observe the way others move and gesture. Do they look classy, trashy, moving fast, or slow? As you do, pretend that you are watching a dance class instructor who is explaining the moves to you. Watch your partner's style of movement, and then try to tune in. They will feel more comfortable with you.

Make them feel that you are like "family" — Echoing

Use their words, not yours. Listen carefully to their word choice; what adjectives, nouns, and verbs do they use? Pick up some of them and incorporate them into your speech. Hearing these words, your partner will feel like you know and understand each other, sharing the same attitudes and values.

Make it clear to them — Potent Imaging

Strike up a conversation about your listener's interests: yachting, swimming, reading, and so on. Everyone likes something. Use some of the language coming from that sphere or appropriate terminology.

Learn to empathize — Employ Empathizers

To say that you agree, do you use "yeah," "mmhm," or the like? While that does show you agree, it doesn't make your conversation partner want to share more with you. Instead of "umming," say phrases like "I see what you mean" or "That's a wonderful thing to say." Such phrases encourage them to go on with the conversation.

How to praise but not go to the dogs of flattery

Studies have shown that: 

• Hearing compliments from a new person has a more powerful effect than when heard from someone you already know. 

• Compliments have more credibility when said to an attractive person whose face you haven't seen before. 

• You will be taken seriously if you start your comments with some discreet remark, but this is only when your listener perceives you as someone higher on the social ladder. If lower, it will reduce your credibility.

With one mishandled compliment, you can kill your entire relationship, so choose wisely.

Compliment anyone — Grapevine Glory

Imagine hearing someone compliment you to someone else "behind your back." You will feel thrilled and flattered immediately. Tell about someone you like to your friend. This way, you won't seem like an apple-polisher trying to win points. Also, you will leave the recipient with a happy fantasy. They will enjoy the feeling of knowing the world knows about their greatness.

Be a carrier of good feelings — Carrier Pigeon Kudos

A metaphorical pigeon is you carrying good news and praises to others. Whenever you hear something good about the other person, compliment them. You may not exactly be given a medal for it, but everyone loves the pigeon who bears kind thoughts and good news.

Make them feel your admiration "just slipped out" — Implied Magnificence

Every once in a while, introduce a few comments into the conversation that say something positive about who you are talking with. Make your statement come out as casually as possible but don't give a compliment that actually highlights something rather negative, like: "I would never find that dress so flattering for your body type!"

Win people's hearts by being an "undercover complimenter" — Accidental Adulation

Imagine your conversation as a sentence. You two are discussing general things, and your vis-a-vis says something really cool. You respond to that with a regular sentence and then open a parenthesis to utter something like: "Wow, that was a brilliant thing to say, you are very deep." Become an undercover complimenter to trigger a joyful surprise that makes your listener temporarily deaf to anything that follows.

They'll never forget you with a "killer compliment" — Killer Compliment

You will make your listener never forget you in a hurry. During the conversation, search for one unique, specific and attractive quality they have, and at the end of the conversation, look them straight in the eye, say their name, and finish with the Killer Compliment like "What gorgeous eyes you have," or personal "You have a wonderful air of honesty about you."

Did you know? If your compliment is artificially tailored or unskilled, it will make you sound insincere, wrecking your chances of ever being trusted by that person again.

Get directly into their hearts 

Many people know you only by communicating through the phone or different messengers. Yet, they never get to see, smell, and enjoy being around you in an offline world. Let them know who you really are even when talking on the phone.

Your personality, mine, and everyone's could be likened to a show, a theatrical performance. You want to make sure yours is a box-office smash, not a flop.

Sound exciting on the phone — Talking Gestures

See yourself as the star of a radio drama every time you have a call. If you want people to perceive you as someone engaging, turn your smiles into sounds, nods into noise, and gestures into what your listener can hear. Replace your gestures with talk, then boost the whole act by 30%!

Sound like you are close by — Name Shower

Address people by their first name to get their attention. Calling your listener's name is equal to the eye contact you might give in person. It will sound like you are flirting as you keep saying someone's name face to face, but on the phone, there is a physical distance that may be a thousand miles away, so spray your conversation with it.

People tend to pay more attention when you say their name.

Make them happy they called you — Oh Wow, It's You!

You should always be professional about your work calls. But also imply the warmth you have reserved for the caller. After you identify who is talking, burst into a huge smile that will flood your face and sip into your voice. This way, your caller feels the giant fuzzy smile is reserved for him only. You can also breathe out gently as you break into a smile.

Sneak past the gatekeeper — Sneaky Screen

If your calls are screened by your staff, inform them to respond cheerfully and ask for the caller's name. If they have identified themselves, have your staff repeat their name before putting the caller through to you. When your secretary comes with the bad news that you are presently unavailable, she won't take it personally and never feel screened.

Did you know? Calling someone's home, you should always identify and greet the person who picks up. As you call someone's office more than once, make friends with the secretary. They are always the right people to influence the VIP's opinion of you.

You don’t have to be a smart politician to work a party

Before going to a party, study the list of people invited, if that’s possible. Smart politicians and tempered VIPs tend to arrive a little earlier to get their business done with their people of interest. If you want to be among them, come earlier than the regular regulars.

Avoid the common party blooper — Munching or Mingling

Experienced politicians and negotiators know that if you want to have a good conversation with another person, nothing can come between them. For this reason, they never eat or drink at a party. You can either come to munch or mingle, but avoid doing both. Be a good politician, eat before you come to the party.

Coming to a party, clear your priorities: either eat and drink or mingle. Doing both will have you enjoying only the company of yourself.

Make an unforgettable entrance — Rubberneck the Room

When you arrive at a gathering, make a dramatic stop at the doorway, slowly study the situation, darting your eyes back and forth. Your purpose is not to show off but survey what is already happening so that you know where and how to fit in. Look for familiar faces or locate the people you would like to meet.

Meet the people you really want to meet — Be The Chooser, Not the Choice

You can be proactive and the one who chooses. Find the person you like in the room, don’t wait for others to approach you. Make the first step, and maybe you will meet the love of your life, best friend, or a long-term business partner.

How to break the most treacherous glass ceiling of all

Even when we come with the best intentions, some little things we say may bring us down and leave a negative aftertaste with others. Some people really have no idea they are doing something wrong unless they are told. But do you really have to tell them? In this chapter, we will consider some subtleties many of us are unaware of.

Win people's affection by overlooking their bloopers — See No Bloopers, Hear No Bloopers

A great communicator will allow his loved ones, acquaintances, associates, and friends the pleasurable myth of being above embarrassing biological functions and commonplace bloopers. They just don't notice these little things. As a big winner, don't gape at another's gaffes. Never remind people of the moments they are not shining.

If you don't point out what others do wrong, they will do the same for you.

Win people's heart when their tongue is faltering — Lend a Helping Tongue

Some people need to pluck up their courage to tell a story. When they made a longer than usual pause in the middle of it, don't immediately react. Take your time and encourage them to go back to their story, ask what happened next, thus showing you are genuinely interested.

Let them know "what's in it" for them — Bare the Buried WIIFM (and WIIFY)

Whenever you ask for a favor or a meeting, voice the particular benefits. Inform the other person what's in it for you and what they stand to benefit from. If a hidden agenda comes to light later, you may get labeled as the cunning one.

Make people want to do favors for you — Let 'Em Savor the Favor

Whenever your friend asks for a favor, allow them to enjoy your beneficence before you make them payback. For how long should you wait? At least 24 hours.

Ask and get favors — Tit for Tat

Do someone a favor. It becomes apparent they owe you one. Wait for some time before asking to "pay." Allow them to enjoy the fact that your gesture was out of friendship. Do not make it an apparent tit for their tat swiftly.

Conclusion:-

If you understand human nature and people’s habits, it becomes easy to hone your communication skills and improve your relationships. Always make a good first impression, convey positive body language, assume non-threatening postures, and prepare adequately for meetings. The techniques in this book will help you become confident and comfortable in making new friends, attracting people you want to have in your life, and finding reliable business partners.

No one is born with a perfect set of communication techniques. We learn these things as we grow, developing and enhancing them. Some people may seem more confident because they are aware of the right ways to approach others. Most of the time, charisma has nothing to do with that. If you want someone to help you, let them know they will also benefit from it. In case you lend someone a favor, don’t rush to have them payback. Wait for a while, thus making them want to help you. These two strategies were easy wisdom, right? In this same way, you can master anything else regarding your people skills.

Having read this summary, you might get an aftertaste that many techniques are based on manipulation. Some of them are manipulations but are not harmful. Our intentions make them unhealthy, so use them with discretion.

Try this: 

Before jumping into a conversation, estimate the mood your interlocutor has right now. Take a voice sample of the potential listener, and determine their emotional state of mind. Do they sound worried, angry, or perfectly fine? Then, take a look at their facial expression. Does that support the idea you got from voice-sampling? If you want them to identify with your thoughts, match their mood to their voice tone before starting the talk.