Lessons from the Book Almost Everything

Overview

Almost Everything: Notes on Hope (2018) by bestselling author Anne Lamott is a collection of essays on finding glimmers of optimism even amid great turbulence. Just before her sixty-first birthday, Lamott wrote these essays to share the wisdom she has gleaned from her many decades of living with her grandson and niece. At turns witty, serious, and hopeful, Lamott weaves together anecdotes from her life with spiritual insights to impart uplifting messages.

The year before the writing of the book was full of political and societal turmoil, but Lamott was also happier than she had ever been. She believes that there is important understanding to be gained from the paradox of her experience, as it echoes an even greater paradox: everything that exists as truth contains within some degree of contradiction.

Even when the external world seems to be crumbling, with mass shootings, human rights violations, and general divisiveness, Lamott does her best to turn her attention to the general goodness in life, of having loved and been loved, for example. She maintains strong spiritual beliefs that help her cope with debilitating mental health issues, thorny family dynamics, and the general twists and turns of life. The God Lamott believes in is loving and welcoming, even when people exhibit bad behavior or other human imperfections.

When difficult situations arise, the simple knowledge that God is present can be reassuring. For example, Lamott watched Kelly, a friend and fellow recovering alcoholic, self-destruct. After a nasty divorce, Kelly began drinking again. Lamott tried to convince her to go to 12-step meetings, but Kelly was an avowed atheist and didn’t like the higher power language that Alcoholics Anonymous subscribes to. In time, Kelly isolated and eventually killed herself. But in her final moments, she wasn’t alone. She committed suicide with another friend who was equally depressed and despondent. As she tried to cope with this loss, Lamott came to realize that Kelly’s having a co-conspirator in suicide meant that she had some measure of comfort. The kindness that the friend extended to her may have led to a tragic end, but in that kindness, God’s love was present.

Everyone becomes weary from life’s difficulties, yet everyone can remain open to the possibility of experiencing the grace and transcendence inherent in everyday life.

Key Insights

Experiences of loss and pain can lead to heightened spiritual wisdom.

Small efforts to focus on pragmatic tasks can yield great results.

Happiness springs from internal peace and contentment.

Recognizing commonalities with others helps pave the way for heightened empathy.

Writing that contains truth can teach empathy.

Spending time with the dying can be extremely rewarding.

Faith and good friends are both vital to survival.

Food can be a source of emotional sustenance.

Breaking free of roles designated by family is imperative to living authentically.

Key Insight References

[#1, Chapter 1; #2, Chapter 1; #3, Chapter 2; #4, Chapter 5; #5, Chapter 6; #6, Chapter 8; #7, Chapter 10; #8, Chapter 11; #9, Chapter 12]

Key Insight 1

Experiences of loss and pain can lead to heightened spiritual wisdom. 

Pain and suffering befall everyone; they are a part of the human condition. In surrendering to adverse experiences, such as loss, people can find a greater perspective. Some embrace God, or a transcendent force, simply by noticing how they are naturally supported, even in small ways, during difficult times. Divine grace is the force that helps people grow and transform.

Embracing suffering can be a valuable strategy. In The Name of God is Mercy (2016), Pope Francis discusses how important it is to embrace suffering. Those who suffer from addiction, loss, or other emotional afflictions are actually in a prime place to receive love and mercy. When in the midst of great pain, people tend to feel humbled. This sense of humility is vital to opening up to a vast, higher perspective of oneness and universal connection. Mercy therefore shows people how the spirit of a universal, transcendent force larger than themselves is available to each and every human being, particularly those who seek healing and forgiveness. This universal, transcendent force exists within every human being, as each individual is part of the larger collective of humanity. As Pope Francis demonstrates, the experience of pain or suffering provides an opportunity for spiritual expansion. [1]

Key Insight 2

Small efforts to focus on pragmatic tasks can yield great results. 

In dealing with uncertainty or challenges, it’s helpful to focus on the practical side of life, such as helping out at a school fundraiser or making dinner. Getting immersed in the small tasks helps to keep overwhelming despair at bay. As acute as the pain may be, there’s a force of life constantly marching forward.

Relishing minute, everyday occurrences is an important strategy to increase well being, as writer Eric Barker points out in a 2014 Time Magazine article. Focusing on small moments can have a positive ripple effect. For example, taking time to savor meals, instead of shoveling in food while watching television, can increase a sense of wellness. Noticing the beauty that exists in the world also heightens psychological health. Training the mind to be appreciative, as opposed to, say, resentful, creates a sustained feeling of well being. This well being serves people immensely during painful times; if they have a practice of focusing on the good, they will find it easier to avoid getting stuck in a despondent rut and will begin to cherish bittersweet moments, because they can see and appreciate the contrast between pleasure and pain. [2]

Key Insight 3

Happiness springs from internal peace and contentment. 

No amount of material achievement can bring happiness. The same is true of validation from family members, colleagues, friends, and romantic partners—no amount of external praise or acceptance can create inner peace and wellness. Happiness comes only from within. This means people can’t cajole their loved ones into being happy. Happiness is a choice that one needs to make for oneself.

Take the hypothetical example of Diana, a woman in her mid-thirties who was empathetic and tended to become a caretaker for her loved ones when they were in need. She sometimes extended her caretaking to strangers as well. She sought to receive praise and adoration for the care she bestowed upon others while putting her own immediate needs on the back burner. After a particularly challenging period, Diana complained to friends that she was always being called upon to clean up her relatives’ messes. She had no time for herself, and this made her deeply unhappy. One day, she woke up and realized that the choice to be happy was so simple. Instead of answering every SOS call that came her way, she could prioritize her own interests. She decided to make certain hours sacrosanct. If a friend needed to vent, she might say, “I’m not available right now” and instead commit to healthy activities like swimming and making art. She understood the need to take care of herself first, so that she may then make informed decisions about supporting others in need. One month after implementing these changes, she felt happier and lighter than she had ever felt. She was still there for her loved ones, but she showed up in ways that felt appropriate. For example, if her father asked her for emotional support, she considered whether or not he could gain that same support from his wife. This process of evaluation helped her become more judicious about her caretaking tendencies. She realized that all along the power was within her to choose how she wanted to spend her time. She was able to experience joy and pleasure on a regular basis, which seemed to inure her from life’s inevitable difficulties. At the same time, she could still express care and concern for people she loved, without feeling drained in the process. Her formula for happiness led to a deep sense of self-respect, one that helped to stabilize her. As Diana’s experience demonstrates, the only way to become happy is to choose happiness for oneself.

Key Insight 4

Recognizing commonalities with others helps pave the way for heightened empathy. 

Finding common ground is easier than it might appear at first blush. Regardless of differences, such as political persuasion or cultural background, all people have experienced loss. All people have insecurities and sometimes say things that they shouldn’t. Instead of focusing on differences, people can seek out shared experiences. From this generous perspective, feeling empathy for others, even those that may appear to be in the wrong, becomes utterly natural.

Empathy can be a means of finding appreciation for others’ experiences, as writer and leadership expert Rodger Dean Duncan outlined in a 2018 article for Forbes . Years ago, Duncan learned an important piece of advice from Jim Lehrer, the award-winning broadcaster, in finding common ground: pause for five seconds after someone else has spoken. Lehrer explained that this gives people time to expand on their answer and possibly reveal more meaningful pieces of information. To Duncan’s surprise, this method opened up conversational space. He was able to better understand others, both in terms of their thought processes and in terms of what mattered most to them emotionally. To listen carefully is an act of generosity, through which people with opposing views can discover mutual interests and human concerns. Listening with empathy is an important part of human connection, one that can be applied to personal and professional spheres in the service of embracing differences, because there is always some commonality. [3]

Key Insight 5

Writing that contains truth can teach empathy. 

Writing from a place of honesty is a means of opening doors to the human condition. Every experience belongs to the person who experienced it. If people behave badly, it’s not the writer’s job to whitewash the reality and make it seem as if everything was fine about said behavior. Allowing others to understand emotional experiences helps to create greater understanding of people from different walks of life, which builds empathy and compassion.

Studies have proven that reading fiction heightens empathy, as reported in a 2014 Mic article that highlighted three research studies. First, in 2013, researchers at Emory University did brain scans of readers who completed Robert Harris’s Pompeii in a nine-day span, and compared them with people who hadn’t read any fiction. They found that the readers had more activity in the part of the brain that governs visualization, indicating that they had a greater ability to put themselves in others’ shoes, as opposed to those who hadn’t read anything at all. A second study, published in PLOS One in 2013, found that those who regularly read fiction scored higher on a five-point scale in how they related to the victories and setbacks of characters in a story. A third study, published in Science in 2013, found that those who read literary fiction, as compared to mass-market fiction, had a greater ability to empathize, presumably because they had to spend more time figuring out the characters’ motivations and emotional states. Together, these studies show how exploring the lives of fictional characters helps readers to connect with others’ experiences, even when those experiences are vastly different from the readers’ frame of reference. [4]

Key Insight 6

Spending time with the dying can be extremely rewarding. 

Society sends the message that talk of death and dying should be avoided, even though death is an essential part of the human condition. To understand life, it’s imperative to embrace the fact of mortality, as well as to open up to the death experience. If a loved one is dying, being with that person is a huge privilege. To be with someone who is dying is to be with someone completely, to love in full humanity. Being present with the experience of those who are dying is a blessing, not a burden.

The blessings of being near dying people are many, as veteran hospice nurses Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley illuminate in Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying (1992). Callanan and Kelley have years of experience in hospice nursing, watching those near death while loved ones struggle to come to terms with imminent loss. In one such example, Laura, a terminally ill woman, suddenly became agitated and restless. Her husband, Joe, had a hard time figuring out why. Her condition was a source of pain for him. Often, he would distract himself to avoid facing his wife in her present situation. With the help of hospice workers, he was able to figure out what Laura needed. She used language symbolic to their relationship and their love of travel together, saying it was time for her to “get in line with Susan,” her deceased daughter. At the suggestion of the hospice nurses, Joe told Laura he understood that she needed to go, and he felt comforted that she was going to be with her daughter on the other side. He also reassured her of his plans for after she was gone, promising to remember birthdays and explaining where he was going to live and how he would handle holidays. With this reassurance, Laura’s agitation disappeared, and she had many peaceful moments with her husband up until her death months later. Laura and Joe’s experience shows how rich and meaningful it can be to face death head on, to walk toward the experience, not away from it. By engaging with his wife, Joe found great strength and was able to see that even in the midst of utter grief, he also found beauty and goodness with his wife. Had Joe shied away from telling Laura that he would be OK without her, even though he was deeply sad, he might not have experienced such profound fulfillment and a sense of completeness. [5]

Key Insight 7

Faith and good friends are both vital to survival. 

Friends are one of life’s greatest blessings. They help to remind us to have faith and to keep pushing forward, to remain engaged in the stream of existence. Believing in a benevolent higher power helps us to remember all that is good, kind, and generous. Quality friends are, too, living reminders of all that is good, kind, and generous. No one can survive painful situations alone. Indeed, with faith and friends, no one is ever alone.

Friendships can help renew faith, as the hypothetical example of Bob demonstrates. Bob lost his sister Bethany in a tragic car accident. Bob and Bethany were very close, almost to the exclusion of other family members. But when Bethany died suddenly, Bob had no choice but to reach out and rely on friends to cope. Some friends dragged him to church services in the aftermath of Bethany’s death, while others simply made a habit of checking in and cajoling him to join them for dinners and walks, anything to keep him from losing himself to the darkness of loss. Bethany had been the more social of the two siblings, and a friend of Bob’s pointed out that she would not want him sitting home and brooding over her loss. She would want to see him doing the things he enjoyed, such as taking leisurely walks on the beach and going to music concerts. In time, Bob came to believe that Bethany’s spirit lived on through his friends, who insisted he join the living. This belief provided him with great solace and faith. No matter how difficult or painful a loss may be, there are always people out there to provide companionship, kindness, and love. Even though Bob questioned the existence of a God who would take his sister from him, he also started to understand that the good cheer and intentions of friends were heaven-sent. Friends and faith, as Bob saw, can’t halt life’s inevitable low points and tragedies, but they can provide the encouragement to be resilient and to find the good in life again.

Key Insight 8

Food can be a source of emotional sustenance. 

With an abundance of fad diets and societal messages of body perfection, it’s easy to lose sight of how rich and beneficial eating with awareness can be. Vilifying food groups desecrates the true value of nourishment. Eating in community with others, or even eating while imagining community with others, enhances a sense of love and connection. This love and connection brings true fulfillment. To lose sight of food’s true purpose is to starve emotionally and spiritually.

As the former proprietor of Mama Cassie’s, a restaurant in Great Falls, Montana, Carol Cassie knew the inherent links between food, love, and socializing. In fact, she hung a sign on her establishment’s door that read, “Food is love!” Cassie’s main goal was to make her customers understand that when they walked into her restaurant, they would receive warmth, food, and care. Former workers report that Mama Cassie’s felt like one big family. People were so fond of the restaurant that they would plan marriage proposals there. Pregnant women would come in and indulge in sweets, then bring their newborns back months later to introduce them to Cassie. Customers would indulge, which Cassie felt was OK for special occasions, treating decadent meals as an opportunity for community- and relationship-building. The popularity of Mama Cassie’s shows just how hungry people are for eating in community with one another, to fulfill the all-important human needs for connection, food, and love. [6]

Key Insight 9

Breaking free of roles designated by family is imperative to living authentically. 

Growing up, children step into certain roles, which they are assigned or take on themselves. Troublemakers serve one function, as dysfunction of the group can be blamed on those who act out. Peacemakers take on another role, and they learn that their value is tied to how well they can soothe their parents’ emotional pain. Stepping out of these roles is key to maturing and living honestly. While it might not be easy, refusing to play the same role for family can create space to discover the true self. Once the true self is discovered, real, rewarding relationships are possible in time.

Being assigned the role of caretaker in childhood, whether of a parent or sibling, can have lasting consequences, as Cindy Lamothe explores in a 2017 article in The Atlantic . Lamothe interviewed Jordan Rosenfeld, a 43-year-old author whose mother’s alcoholism led her to step into the caregiver role at a young age. Rosenfeld’s mother, Florence Shields, was so negligent that Rosenfeld sometimes had to remind her to get groceries, as they would have otherwise gone without food in the house. Rosenfeld also had to drag her mom out of bed so she could get to school on time. Instead of having a mother who took care of her, Rosenfeld was always looking out for her mother. Shields, who is now in recovery, sees that her daughter still struggles with the effects of those early experiences. Both have had plenty of therapy, but Shields notes that her daughter likes to have everything under control, so as not to experience any semblance of the chaos she felt as a child. Rosenfeld’s experience as an early caregiver has affected other relationships. She must rein in her need to fix problems for her younger siblings and remind herself that no one asked her to come up with advice or solutions. When she married, Rosenfeld found herself considering her husband’s needs before her own. Currently, Rosenfeld attends Al-Anon meetings for those who have loved an alcoholic. Though Rosenfeld wishes that there were a support group specifically for children who became parentified at an early age, she says that the meetings help to remind her that she always has a choice to take care of herself, something that hasn’t come easily to her. As Rosenfeld’s experience demonstrates, as difficult as the process may be, it is possible to step out of assigned roles and reclaim one’s life. [7]

Important People

Anne Lamott is a novelist and non-fiction writer. Her bestselling books include Bird by Bird (1994) and Traveling Mercies (1999).

Author’s Style

Lamott’s writing is voice-driven, folksy, and humorous, and contains many passages infused with her spiritual perspective. Lamott is a progressive, born-again Christian who sees common ground between all religions and schools of thought that seek meaning through storytelling. In addition to an introduction and coda, there are 12 brief chapters, each delving into different topics, such as writing, family relationships, and death. She is self-deprecating and funny, often writing in the second person plural, which reflects her beliefs that human beings have shared experiences and are navigating their way through life together. She uses personal stories about her family, friends, and colleagues to illustrate her points. Every bit of knowledge she imparts is grounded in real-life experiences. Occasionally, she weaves in quotes or advice from great artists and thinkers. Her thoughts, meant to be inspiring and grounding, are sometimes vague and rambling, a style that is familiar to her loyal readers.

Author’s Perspective

Lamott is a lifelong writer who was raised in a dysfunctional family. She finds generosity and empathy even amid difficult relationships. Her perspective is relatable, as she often highlights her own shortcomings as a human being, all while striving for a higher-minded perspective. Her spirituality is important to her, and she finds God in many different situations, outside of religious conceptions of God. She has been in recovery from alcoholism for decades, and this also informs her perspective. Her politics are progressive, and she considers herself an activist for several progressive causes. In 1985, she was awarded a Guggenheim Fellowship. In 2010, she was inducted into the California Hall of Fame. She resides in northern California with her partner, Neal Allen.

References

Pope Francis and Andrea Tornielli. Translated from Italian by Oonagh Stransky. The Name of God is Mercy . New York: Random House Publishing, 2016, pp. 3-18.

Barker, Eric. “The Simple Thing That Makes the Happiest People in the World So Happy.” Time Magazine . April 13, 2014. Accessed December 12, 2018. http://time.com/59684/the-simple-thing-that-makes-the-happiest-people-in-the-world-so-happy/

Duncan, Rodger Dean. “Listening With Empathy: Key To Common Ground.” Forbes Magazine . March 1, 2018. Accessed December 12, 2018. https://www.forbes.com/sites/rodgerdeanduncan/2018/03/01/listening-with-empathy-key-to-common-ground/#48ea2fc74541

Bergado, Gabe. “Science Shows Something Surprising About People Who Still Read Fiction.” Mic . November 21, 2014. Accessed December 12, 2018. https://mic.com/articles/104702/science-shows-something-surprising-about-people-who-love-reading-fiction#.4eWyohd8C

Callanan, Maggie and Patricia Kelley. Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying . New York: Bantam Books, 1992, Bantam Trade Paperback reissue, April 2008, pp. 1-9.

Hamilton, Jon. “How Did Our Brains Evolve to Equate Food with Love?” NPR/The Salt . March 1, 2013. Accessed December 12, 2018. https://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2013/03/01/173245261/how-did-our-brains-evolve-to-equate-food-with-love

Lamothe, Cindy. “When Kids Have to Act Like Parents, It Affects Them for Life.” The Atlantic . October 26, 2017. Accessed December 19, 2018. https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2017/10/when-kids-have-to-parent-their-siblings-it-affects-them-for-life/543975/